[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
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for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
the clam before the storm
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”