[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
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me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My life in a nutshell
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know