The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
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Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?