Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
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I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
My nickname in high school was “who?”
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today