ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
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my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Xylophonist Shredding It
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…