The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
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I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down