Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
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WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
happy valentine’s day to me
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”