Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
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Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer