What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
You Might Also Like
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My birthstone is a marshmallow
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor