Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
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Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
i will not be silenced
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My blood type is b hungry.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.