Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
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The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job