Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
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My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
😆this is so true
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.