Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
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My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.