Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story