We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Please do it!
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.