I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
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Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
bro what is going on at twitter
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Flowers bee like
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring