And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
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Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I only treason on days ending in y
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.