i love modern commerce
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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again