PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
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eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!