Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
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You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
finally
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
British websites use biscuits.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done