I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
You Might Also Like
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I hate everything
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.