Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
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So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face