So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
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me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My inexpensive home security system…
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
pls suprot
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”