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If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.