The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
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The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this