A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
You Might Also Like
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
He took my last fry, your honor
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*