Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
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Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I only treason on days ending in y
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.