My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
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Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.