doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?