I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
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Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))