Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
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Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.