I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
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If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Reporter: *ports again*
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.