North and South
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I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.