What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
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my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
When news reporters do sports stories
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.