[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
You Might Also Like
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Seems kinda suspicious
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Time for evil
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan