SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
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I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
My time has come.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.