9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
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when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen