“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
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Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Overindulged this afternoon.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.