I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
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To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
next question.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them