Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
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1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
BaD BoY!!
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I have two kinds of followers
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁