Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
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The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I’ve had worse
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.