Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
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he’s sick of your bullshit today
as is their right
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
is this meant to deter me
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Does this dress make me look cat?
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.