Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
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My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that