Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
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Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.