mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
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Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Not recommended for beginners.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.