A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
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love it when they get my name right
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.