“HOW” – dyslexic owl
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MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
#polloftheday
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.