How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
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Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible