I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
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*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .