ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
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A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…